This is not your ordinary blog. Normally, I would regale you with a delightful story of myself partaking in a signature drink or dish from a local place. Considering the location I crept into this week, I will just clarify that one should not expect a special of any kind from here. The Bikini Lounge is an outing that you survive, hopefully unscathed, to question why people hit this dive up.

It all starts off just like a scary movie. I stroll up to the building with the blacked-out windows and the door is wide open. It is just like a portal into a land of isolation, not telling of what lies behind it’s own darkness. To say the clientele was sparse this evening would be an understatement (granted, it was a Monday night). Aside from the cheery bartender (more on her in a second), there sat only one patron watching the World Series.

So, I plop myself down at the bar, which stinks of things my imagination is horrified to picture. Peering out from behind her lonely game of eight ball, the bartender growls her pleasantries. “What do you want?” Immediately, I feel like one of the boys from The Goonies. That is the reason this scenario seems so familiar. The ever-cheerful barkeep exudes the Fratelli mother in every way.

After realizing that I am still standing there, mouth agape, I collect myself and order the first thing that comes to mind: a pitcher of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Sure, you may scoff at the notion, but in this blogger’s humble opinion, Pabst is the best beer for your buck.

So, I start to acclimate myself to the surroundings. I realized that I am surrounded by creative minds, or at the very least, deranged sociopaths. The walls seem to leak black. There are hints of an attempt at a Hawaiian theme — sticks in pattern above the bar, tiki masks, a topless luau dancer painting, etc. Also parading in this locale are curious elements — handwritten “Cash Only” signs, a mid-’90s arcade bowling game, a scarecrow, a strangely new Internet jukebox and the smallest above-bar screens I have ever encountered.

Needless to say, this was an experience. I laid my cash on the dingy bar and crept back out. I can only imagine that at one time this might have been a nicer, cleaner bar. Well, maybe that is taking things a little too far.

The Bikini Lounge is located at 1502 W. Grand Ave. (602) 252.0472. It offers pitchers of PBR nightly.


  • Danielle

    This is a terrible review.
    I feel sorry for you.

    • I appreciate your sympathy. I already have taken 4 showers a day since. I think I got all the dive bar off of me.

      • Matt

        Wow, I bet the downtown is over ( or OVAH! as satire reigns for the true downtowner) plague started at your DNS.

        Wesley pegged this one at hello!

  • Steve

    You scare too easy but fortunately Hooters or TGIF will still be there for ya. The growling bartendress was probably Wesley and she’s a good judge of character. Her 20th anniversary of bartending party a couple weeks ago will go down in my personal 53 year Phoenix history as one of the best times I’ve ever had. The neat thing about PHX is there’s room for everything from Hannys to Bikini, both locally owned, both brilliant in their own ways.